Monday, Felicitee's Birthday

I'm taking the kids swimming in Lava on Monday, weather permitting of coarse. After that I plan to have cake and ice cream for Felicitee around 6 at my house, but I might do it at the pool. I'll probably have a really difficult time getting the kids away from the pool. Family price for Mon-Thurs is only $20, so its not too bad. And they have a comb. family pass for $35. I'm not sure what combination family is. Felis will be excited because I am bringing Gannon and Mady along too. She doesn't know yet because she is spending the weekend at Nana and Papa's house. Other then that I really can't afford to do much of anything else because I still have to pay for my hotel room for the wedding and get a wedding gift. Anybody want to go in on a BQ grill with me. I know they really want one. I also need to find outfits for my boys and some sandals for Felicitee. And I have to save enough for gas, and an oil change, its a little past due. I don't know if I even want to drive my car on the freeway, I think the pressure might cause the windshield to shatter. I think something hit it when I was at the store the other day, because there is a new, very big spider web right in the middle of the windshield. I might have to drive the Suburban. I sure hope not. Its 4 times more money for the trip. Too much. June has left me severly broke, July should be much better.

I'm Sorry

Sorry I can't seem to get my frustrations out without anger. The more time I spend alone, the angrier I am. I don't know why I even have a phone, it doesn't seem like anybody ever calls me, except the stupid credit card company trying to get me to tranfer my balances from the other credit cards that I DON"T EVEN HAVE. I came to WY, Memorial Day Weekend because I thought it would be helpful for me, but it really just got me even more upset. Bruce trys to play with Kaia and Ben, he acknowledges them. My kids, don't even get a Hi. He avoids them as much as possible. And when Izaic was sad and Crying he yelled at him and told him he was going to throw him out. But when Kaia was crying he asked her what was wrong. I realize that my kids, mostly my boys are just that, loud and wild. They have a lot of energy. I really don't feel like I'm welecome. I don't feel that I can take my kids for a snowmobile ride. Or that they will ever get to go boating at the lake.

As for Charley, the only point I am trying to make, is that he is trying really hard to make up for the mistakes he has made. The only reason he joined the guard is because he felt that it could give him the oppertunity to support his family. He's trying to change the child support order to pay more, because he wants to. But until that happens, he's just giving me more so that the kids will be taken care of. I believe people change. Yes he has made some terrible mistakes, so have I, but it doesn't define him. He hasn't just walked out of our lives, and stopped trying. He's not just being bitter because things haven't gone his way. He is really trying to change. And I believe he really loves me too. Why else would he be trying so hard. I know you all can't see it, and I don't know if I want to be with him again. But I recognize what he is doing and its a good thing.

And I have to get through school, so that someday we can have the life that I want to have. Yes I'll have to add student loans onto my bills, but it'll all be worth it. I have a 5 year and 10 year plan, so I know what I need to accomplish in those time frames. All I can do is make my best effort to accomplish those goals. It's really difficult to not be busy all the time, although I am with my kids. I'm not putting 40-50 hours a week into school and work right now. And I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going a little crazy, so I'm sorry that I got rid of my frustrations so rudely. I didn't want to cause any problems. Things just kept bundling up, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Sorry again.