I'm Sorry

Sorry I can't seem to get my frustrations out without anger. The more time I spend alone, the angrier I am. I don't know why I even have a phone, it doesn't seem like anybody ever calls me, except the stupid credit card company trying to get me to tranfer my balances from the other credit cards that I DON"T EVEN HAVE. I came to WY, Memorial Day Weekend because I thought it would be helpful for me, but it really just got me even more upset. Bruce trys to play with Kaia and Ben, he acknowledges them. My kids, don't even get a Hi. He avoids them as much as possible. And when Izaic was sad and Crying he yelled at him and told him he was going to throw him out. But when Kaia was crying he asked her what was wrong. I realize that my kids, mostly my boys are just that, loud and wild. They have a lot of energy. I really don't feel like I'm welecome. I don't feel that I can take my kids for a snowmobile ride. Or that they will ever get to go boating at the lake.

As for Charley, the only point I am trying to make, is that he is trying really hard to make up for the mistakes he has made. The only reason he joined the guard is because he felt that it could give him the oppertunity to support his family. He's trying to change the child support order to pay more, because he wants to. But until that happens, he's just giving me more so that the kids will be taken care of. I believe people change. Yes he has made some terrible mistakes, so have I, but it doesn't define him. He hasn't just walked out of our lives, and stopped trying. He's not just being bitter because things haven't gone his way. He is really trying to change. And I believe he really loves me too. Why else would he be trying so hard. I know you all can't see it, and I don't know if I want to be with him again. But I recognize what he is doing and its a good thing.

And I have to get through school, so that someday we can have the life that I want to have. Yes I'll have to add student loans onto my bills, but it'll all be worth it. I have a 5 year and 10 year plan, so I know what I need to accomplish in those time frames. All I can do is make my best effort to accomplish those goals. It's really difficult to not be busy all the time, although I am with my kids. I'm not putting 40-50 hours a week into school and work right now. And I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going a little crazy, so I'm sorry that I got rid of my frustrations so rudely. I didn't want to cause any problems. Things just kept bundling up, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Sorry again.

Malyki

I don't really know how to describe Malyki other a wonderful kid who is has a hard time being the oldest. Its natural to expect more out of your older children, right. This is Malyki's favorite phase lately, "Why is it always me?'' Sometimes I wonder if he has an attention deficit disorder or he has the same problem as me. Stress, stress, and more stress. I ask him to do the simplest things, and its always the same result, he didn't hear. At least until I'm doing it mayself and smoke is coming out of my ears. And it seems that he doesn't know when to stop, or when certain behavior is acceptable. I've tried to explain that his brothers watch him and do the things they see him do. So rough play in the store is not ok. His brothers get disciplined for poor behavior, but he doesn't recognize that. I hope I can give him some one on one time this summer to boost his confidence and help him not feel so picked on.

Felicitee...The Princess

Felicitee

Her name means fortunate, and friend. She is a beautiful child, that takes good care of her brothers. She is like a little mommy. Always trying to help Cyrus with everything.

This is my little princess, and though she prefers to wear dresses (especially if they spin), She gets dirtier then any of the boys. I guess dresses aren't a big deal just as long as she wears shorts under them. At least until she learns to be a little lady.

Izaic ... The Comedian ....

Izaic means laughter. And that is so true with this little charmer. He finds humor in everything from games to discipline. He love attention and to make others laugh. On June 4th he will turn 4. His progress over the past year has been remarkable. He has done well with his speech therapy, and at Head Start. Here are his milestones while he was 3.

1. Potty Trained
2. Learned all his colors
3. Lost a lot of baby Chub
4. Loves to sing
I like to move it, move it

Cyrus...The TESTing TWO...

Cyrus...This is his new smile for the Camera, Cheese!

Being TWO is so difficult. He wants what he wants in exactly the way he wants it. Here is how it goes.
Mom: Do you want milk or juice?
Cyrus: Juice mom
I grab a sippy out of the cupboard.
Cyrus: No that one (pointing to a dirty cup by the sink)
Mom: That ones dirty, pick a different one
Cyrus: No that one
And it goes on and on. I pour the juice into a clean cup and give it to him. He throws it across the room, and says, "No That One." So I put it in the fridge and let him know his drink is there when he is ready for it. And then is his favorite statement "MOM's NAUGHTY."
But he has become quite aquainted with the UH-Oh song. And when Mom starts singing, "Uh-Oh," he stops dead in his tracks, and listens to mom. Because when she starts singing the rest of the song he goes to thought spot. Here's how it goes"
UH-OH, a little thinking time coming up right now. This is so sad. Lets sit right here, you can throw a little fit, I'll see you when you're sweet."
And after he is calm. I ask if he is sweet, and he'll respond, "Ya I seet."

Daddy's in the Sky

We took Charley to the airport this morning to leave for boot camp. The kids got to see him leave and the plane take off. It was only at the Pocatello airport, so when Charley got on the plane he waved at the kids from the door. Then they watched him fly away.
Cyrus has been talking all day about the airplane and I cannot convince him that his dad is not in the airplane anymore. So Daddy is in the sky. He talked to him tonight before bed and he kept telling him that he was in the sky. So daddy will probably be in the sky for quite a while.

This weekend we went fishing, or at least tried to. The kids had so much fun. Little Izaic, has become the silliest little trouble maker. He thinks everything is so funny, especially if he has an audience. So we were driving down to Springfield with Leatha and Baxter. Izaic thought it was so funny to scream a pitched scream continuously because Allyssah thought it was so funny. He wouldn't quit so a smacked his mouth, which made him laugh harder. He just thought it was so funny. He finds humor in everything. While getting dressed this morning, he put one shirt on right, and another on like a skirt. I asked him what he was wearing, he looked at me and laughed and said pannnts. What a silly boy.